Gertie contemplates the universe

So I wanted to tell ‘im. About the universe.
“Don’t give me that!” he snaps. (He always was a surly bastard.)
“Yes!” (I have to insist. You do with ‘im.) “When it all started. I heard it on that program. You know. The one with Melvin Bragg. He was talking to these scientists. It was so interesting, though me and Melvin never understood the half of it.”
“Get on with it,” snarls Jim, his gob filled with baked beans.
“All right. Keep your hair on!” I tell him. “Yes, before it all started, the universe and that, it was smaller than, guess what?”
“No idea,” he mutters, his eyes glancing towards the Daily Express propped up on the HP Sauce.
“Smaller than the head of a pin.”
“Right,” he says.
“But a million times smaller. Even smaller than an atom what’s so small you couldn’t even see it with the naked eye.”
“Oh yeah?” he says.
“Oh yeah!” says I.
Then I tells him, “All our whole universe started off cram packed into just that teeny weeny space, so small you couldn’t even see it.”
“Go on, you’re having me on!”
“No. Straight up. All cram packed. You know, planets and suns and every bloody thing. Tooting and Balham and even Lewisham all in there.”
"Buckingham Palace and the Old Kent Road as well,” he says. entering into the spirit.
“Yes. And the bloody Maritime Museum.”
“I suppose so,” he muses. “Then what?”
“Well, then we got the big bang. And whoosh!”
“Whoosh?”
“Yeah whoosh! There we are lots of hot stuff like from the biggest volcano ever known and when it cools down there’s the planets, suns and all that, stars shining.”
“Come out of all that little stuff?”
“Yeah. It’s energy, you see. Building up.”
“What made it do it then? Explode like it did?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? Dozy cow. I thought you’d explain it all. What did these boffins have to say about it then?”
“They didn’t know either. They was going on about strings or something.”
“What about God? Did he have a hand in it? I thought they’d have clocked that by now.”
“No. Seems that nobody knows anything about what triggered it. They says they was only guessing – at this stage.”
“Well then, at this stage,” he says, “at this stage what I’d like is for you to fill up the bloody teapot!”
“Do it yourself you lazy swine!” I says. But I did fill it up anyway.